We had our two month well-being check yesterday. Babycakes (That's what I call him.) is 24 inches long and 11 pounds, 10 ounces. He's long and lean. Wonder where he got that from?
Dudes, this staying home stuff is for the birds. Don't hate me for saying that. Being at home with your child all day is HARD WORK. Don't ever doubt what a SAHM goes through each day. I'm going to be honest, I don't think I could do it day in and day out. I feel guilty because I miss going to work. Not that I actually miss work, but I miss having adult interaction each day.
I told my mom I don't feel like I'm being a productive member of society. She told me I am simply by raising my son and teaching him each day. I get that, but I also need to do something for me. I read an article the other day where the mom said she works because she values her education and wants to keep her career established. Not to mention, she wants her son to see that she has a role outside of the home. Women aren't meant to only be mothers and homemakers. That rang so true with me. That's not how it is for everyone and I respect that. I only know how I feel.
I don't think it helps that I'm home. In Chicago. In the middle of winter. Without a car. We have one car that the hubs take to work since he works in the 'burbs. City dwellers don't need two vehicles! So Babycakes and I are pretty much stuck inside most days. We've had a few unseasonably warm days where we've gotten out for some walks with a friend and to the grocery store, but most weekdays we're indoors. It can be quite isolating. I know I could bundle him up, stick him in the Bjorn and hop on the bus somewhere, but, in 17 degrees, it's more trouble than it's worth.
I am starting to feel like myself again, thankfully. Babycakes sleeping through the night helps. In the beginning, I wasn't sure I could do it. Wasn't sure I would make it. I was tired. Crying all of the time about nothing. (I hate you hormones!) Babycakes was fussy a lot. My face totally broke out. (Have I mentioned that I hate you, hormones?) What's worse? There isn't much the derm can do while I'm breastfeeding. I felt tired. I felt ugly.
And the breastfeeding? I have to confess I'm not technically doing it. Babycakes wouldn't latch. Would bite. And would just refuse one side completely. I cried over that too. That was my first failure as a mother. I'm sure it won't be my last. I decided to pump exclusively because it was important to me that he still get booby juice. It's a lot of damn work. I feel like a slave to the pump a lot. Many days I just want to quit. But I'm still here. Still going strong.
Each day is a new adventure, even when it feels like the same two-hour routine of eat, play, change diaper and nap. Babycakes is becoming so much more active. He smiles. He stares at me. He grabs onto things (including my hair). He's taking it all in and I am in awe at how much he changes each day. So yeah, when I do go back to work, I'm going to miss this! Miss him. Because as I type this while he's napping in his swing, my heart swells with so much love that I think I might explode.